The End is Near...errr, Tomorrow

Tomorrow I leave for home for about 3 weeks. Let me rephrase that. Tomorrow I leave for home for about 6 days. The rest of my time will be spent in Orange City to catch up with friends and refuel my heritage with the Tulip Festival, driving to Michigan with a few stops on the way to see dear friends and some of the people I spent time with in Uganda, and a wonderful wedding weekend where I will see one my darling "children" get married to her best friend. June 12 I will fly back to California and start my job for the summer at UCR (anyone watch undercover boss a few weeks ago?).
Last night and today have been full of work, packing, organizing, and farewells. I will miss the wonderfulness that was this year but I do look forward to the new beginnings that next year will bring. While I am sad about losing a few dear friends to their new jobs, I know that next year I will only grow closer with my already thickly knit cohort and new friendships that were formed this past year. Though the following pictures don't even begin to portray the depth of my year, I figured I owe everyone at least a small explanation of what I did this past year:)

I planned events, visited the beach, and had new experiences with my cohort.

People came to visit and I went to visit others:)

I took a couple wedding pictures and a lot of regular ones.

I sat in the armpit of a troll in Seattle and stood on the side of a stage in San Pedro.

Descaling, Owner's Manuals, and Dry Leaves

Today, or all weekend really, all I needed to do apart from a group meeting was write a measly 4 page reflection paper. For those of you who know me you may realize this is nothing and would probably take an hour, 2 tops. But for some reason I have come up with every possible way to avoid it. For example, instead of writing my paper I have:
-Cleaned up our mini patio by sweeping/bagging many leaves and making our patio furniture shine by dusting it, washing it with a plain rag, then soapy, then plain, then drying it...twice
-Cleaned other areas of the house
-Descaled the espresso machine
-Read the owners manual for my car instead of just the small section on checking levels
-Packed and organized stuff to bring home (in 2 weeks)
-Finished a book and read 3/4 of another
-Written this blog post
-Looked at other blogs
-Straightened my hair
-Went to a movie this afternoon
-Uploaded photos to facebook
I did other things of course...but I listed the abnormal ones only. As you may be able to see I am finding many many ways to procrastinate. Why the sudden lack of motivation? I blame it on timing. You see, at Northwestern right now finals are happening. My body is so used to shutting down at this time that I have been innocently and inadvertently affected by my past. So boo you Northwestern...it's all your fault that I am failing at writing my paper that is due in the morning.
Clever eh how I am passing my faults and making obscure but potentially plausible connections? I thought so.

TMI

A couple of reasons I'm writing right now instead of packing and/or sleeping:
1. My sister asked me to
2. I have many feelings that I feel should be sorted out before they burst out like a can of root beer forgotten in the freezer
3. I'm waiting for my laundry to dry

Because I am still not sure how to start this post (as evidenced by the awkward beginning explanation) I will just give snippets of thought and see where this goes.

Current feelings: restless, slightly anxious, containing frustrations, annoyed, sad, & conflicted

Last week was crazy busy in a good way and now that it's over I really don't know what to do with myself. Since classes ended for the quarter I have actual free time but I have found that I am at a loss for a place to direct my energy. The focus that was required of me is now gone and has left me with a feeling of nakedness; I want the busyness back so I can direct myself away from my emotions.

I wonder what this summer and the next year will look like. I am working in the Women's Resource Center again and because I am familiar with the position I have an opportunity to add and adjust my duties to fit my desired learning outcomes. This is really exciting but also a bit stressful because I have a lot of autonomy and therefore high expectations for what should happen.

Thursday night was the last night of counseling class and we debriefed a video about vulnerability. It was very emotional for the class because a lot of the cohort feels either that they need to be more vulnerable or that they are finally able to be open about who they are.
After watching it I knew I should take it to heart but immediately I realized I wouldn't change. After some examination I decided I should try to be more of who I am inside my head...but I think this could be a very difficult process for many reasons.
Explanation: I took a sort of personality test and for the overall description this came up: "The Executive". However, I was only one point away from a different explanation..."The Giver". If you know me well this makes sense; inside my head I am the executive but to the outside world I'm the giver. For example, many people here have told me that the first impression I give off is introvert, nicest person ever, easy going, passive, and a good listener. As the year has gone on they have been constantly surprised (which I love) to find that I am opinionated, stubborn, confrontational, and (this still surprises people) extroverted. I suppose right now I'm trying to figure out how much of each side to depend on and channel.

Which leads to the frustration and annoyance. I wonder how much I should voice these opinions and when I should just let things go soar away into the horizon. So much of me wants to call people out, but the other part of me wishes to just distance myself from said individuals. For the sake of being vulnerable I'll share a big part of me. When I get to know a person I generally don't share deeply until I have observed and believe he or she is trustworthy. When/if I do share and they break that confidence I tend to not trust them again. This goes for commitments too. If I have a person's word I trust it deeply. When that trust is broken I begin to assume they'll back out continually. Time spent with someone is how I grow closer and when that time is broken I become so easily exhausted with wondering if plans will be cancelled that I often would rather distance myself. While my stubborn intentionality usually prevails, I am emotionally exhausted.

I'm a really intentional person in all that I do. I am strategic and bold in going after what I want. This manifests itself both as charm and standoffish-ness...depending on my current state (i.e. if I'm busy and you are trying to talk to me, I'll probably ignore you).
My family tells me I'm a manipulator...I tell them I'm logical and good at explaining:) One of my favorite example is from this past Christmas. I got my family to sit and watch multiple movies/tv upstairs at the kitchen table instead of on the comfortable couches downstairs. Why? Because I told them it is difficult for me to just sit and watch a movie without doing anything at the same time (true). After a couple days of this they decided to watch something downstairs. What did I do? I held my ground at sat upstairs alone in the kitchen and busied myself with other things.

Do you think I'm a bad person? Are you judging me? That's ok...I have probably judged you too.

Oh and I'm sad because this year is ending. I will so much miss how things are right now including some of closest friends here moving away. Happily, I will be living with one of them next year but the others will be graduating. I am currently mourning the change that will be occurring this next year both here and at home. No longer will most of my friends be in one area but instead they will be spewed out across the country.

Ouch, My Heart Hurts

For those of you who have followed my blog from the beginning, you may remember me posting about my difficulty with making the decision for my first year assistantship. The last couple of weeks have been difficult and full of a lot of event planning, paper writing, interviews, and decision expectations. So far I have handled all of these things well...but the last has been a struggle.
At first I was open to a lot of different options and was going to apply and interview at a variety of places. After much thought, though, I decided to narrow my options down to two great opportunities.
The first option is to stay at the Women's Resource Center for another year. Reasons why this would be great are:
-Great office. I love the people here and as many of you know I place a lot of value on my relationships.
-Working under the associate dean who is a great example of an intentional administrator
-Judicial affairs experience: Shino (my boss) is willing to take me into this process with her
-Development of the program. I have so many ideas for changes that can be implemented if I stay
-Opportunities across campus: since I am now familiar w/ APU's campus, I feel I can better foster and create opportunities for collaboration
-Autonomy...Shino has granted this to me already and I know next year I would have a lot of freedom in my job
-Great interns. I was able to interview all of the undergraduate interns for next year and the two selected are fantastic and I would love to work and learn with them
-Personal development from working in the same position for more than one year
My second option is equally great. I would be a sort of ARD at Cal Poly Pomona in the village apartments. Reasons this is a wonderful job for me:
-I would be working in residence life which I dearly love
-Experience for the future
-I would get experience in a variety of ways: crisis management, judicials, supervision, training
-The program there is very well laid out and I am confident that I would grow professionally
-I also think they do a great job of pushing their interns in a personal way
-Again, the experience I would gain in this year would be SO growing...and also fun.
As you can read, this is a very difficult decision. What makes it worse? They are on separate time lines. This morning I had my second and last interview at Cal Poly but on-campus offers for APU were allowed to go out last Monday. Since I don't find out about Cal Poly until next week I am forced to choose one without a guarantee of the other. While today I decided that Cal Poly is my first priority, I also know that if I tell Shino no and don't get Cal Poly I am left without both of my top choices.
So here I am...waiting and relying on the patience and grace of Shino and the speediness of Cal Poly.
By the way...a summer update:
I will drive home in May (date unknown) for a couple of weeks. Hopefully catch NW's graduation and the Tulip Festival:) June 11th I will stand up as Brittany and Mike get married-- so good! A couple of days later I will drive back to CA where I will start my judicial affairs internship at U of CA, Riverside. Mid-July I'll fly home for Jennie and Ben's wedding (another yes please:) and then fly back to CA where I'll finish up my internship between August 15th and September 2nd and start my second year internship August 16th. I'm excited for all the greatness that will occur this summer, but at the same time really quite sad about missing some of my dear dear friends' weddings.
Side note: my friend Stephanie from Michigan, who I met in Uganda, is flying in Saturday for a week...and that makes me happy.

Don't Judge Me...hehe:)

.
http://www.kare11.com/news/article/911229/391/Trippin-With-Perk--Eric-travels-to-Hendricks
This is my hometown.
A little embarrassing, but quite awesome nonetheless.

You should know I really was not involved in this community (I went to school in SD), but I did work in it and experience much greatness. If you are interested in the uniqueness of Hendricks, I think I wrote a post about it last June. Specifically, what I would miss while in Africa.

Also. My sister is looking for a blog title and would appreciate all suggestions. Think: diving into the abyss of life...blindly and without clear purpose.
[btw, she'll be in Cameroon working in the medical field!)
Comment with thoughts or suggestions!

The Middle 3rd

Recently I had a mock interview for an RD job. When I finished I had the privilege of receiving feedback. My interviewers told me that while I was comfortable and personable, nothing really stuck out about me-- they did not have an idea of who I was as a person.
That conversation started a whole new string of thoughts including, but not limited to, "How do I communicate my passions?", "What are my passions?", "Do I even have passions?".
The truth is, I'm not sure I do. By that I mean there is not one specific thing I am striving toward. In many ways I see this as a positive characteristic because that makes me very adaptable. I do not mind taking risks and am not limited by a need to say in my comfort geographical comfort zone. Additionally, I am generally alright with the unknown. Because of this I have no specific driving point when I apply for different positions or even have different conversations. The fact of the matter is, wherever I am placed, whatever job I have, and whoever I talk to, will get the best from me. I will take ownership of my position and develop it. I will pour into and get to know the people around me.
That still leaves me a bit vulnerable to rejection because of a lack of specificity.
For example: the past month I have been in the process of applying and interviewing for ACUHO-I summer internships. Of my interviews, only one went even mildly bad. When the time came for the offers, though, I was not called. The next three days were filled with slight anxiety and questioning as I wondered what I had done wrong.
I did end up getting an offer from the University of California, Riverside, as a judicial affairs intern. While I am thankful and incredibly excited to fill this position, I cannot help but wonder what went wrong with the other interviews. After a bit of thought, I realize that nothing specific went wrong. In fact, they all gave me really good feedback. But I have to admit I agree with my mock interviewer: I did not show them enough of who I am as a person.
This, as many of you know, is not an easy task for me. I would much rather sit back and listen to others while asking really interesting questions:)
Unfortunately, I do not suffer from this choice...but I do have a different desire. I realized that I need to grow and process through other people and my lack of desire to open up is preventing me from truly processing my (for lack of a better word) life.
So my hope is in the future I will not only be more open and honest, but I will also be unafraid to go into depth with the more personal aspects of my life.
Forgive me, this will be a slow, difficult, and potentially awkward time...but I think it's worth it.

On a different note: A couple of my good friends have recommended me this band and after listening to them, I am going to recommend you all take a listen:) Ladies and gentleman, the Fleet Foxes.

I LOVE This Part

The last 2 weeks have been crazy crazy busy.
Yesterday, amidst the hustle and bustle,  I realized something.
It dawned upon me that I was extremely happy. And energetic.
I once told an RD during my interview that I both loved and thrived on being a bit over-worked (he looked at me like I was a bit crazy...too true).
This week I finally pulled that thought into my reality.
I end the 9am-10pm days feeling great and accomplished.
My motivation increases...my need for sleep decreases.
To sum it all up: I love to be crazy. So pull me with you on your sporadic trips. Grab my hand and take me sailing. Overwhelm me. Ask for my help. Demand my time.

(psst: If any of you are my classmates and reading this...I'm kind of stoked for the craziness that's about to happen next week!)


And yes, I did spend some time at the beach last weekend.

 

A Shout Out, Etc.

Today I have experienced many thoughts and feelings. I am:
1. Thankful for place. At the end of break I was really hesitant to leave my friends and family. It felt so great to be home and I really felt as though I could have stayed there for a long time. After being back for a mere six days, though, I am already fully adjusted to being here. I have little doubt that part of it is being able to walk around in a cardigan...but the feeling extends further than the pleasant weather. Azusa has quickly become another home to me-- the familiarity of people and places reaches out and is 'somehow' comforting (Uganda friends...get it?). I am so so appreciative of the learning and growing that California has provided for me.
2. Thankful for people. As I have left the familiarity and proximity of my 'old' friends and entered a new world of people I have gone through many stages. First I experienced denial. I was pretty sure I did not need to get close to people here. After all, I had worked for my friendships and was in need of no more.

Who can really blame me for thinking nobody could measure up.

Luckily for me, my program is full of people who are interested in working with college students and therefore friendly. They have won me over, taught me much, and challenged me in more ways than I could have ever imagined. I already love them and look forward to growing so much more with and through them.
I am also so thankful for my friends at home. I cannot even begin to name them all, but they are so precious to me. To name drop a few special ones though, my beloved family by blood and family by bond deserve a few more words.

Bullers & Van Ecks, Christmas 2009.

My parents are THE best. I do not think they realize how much I admire and observe them, but surprise mom and dad...I creep on you. My sisters are also incredible. This break I really realized just how comfortable and myself I feel around them-- natural is the correct word. And then...the Bullers. Best family EVER. I left home this break starving for more Van Eck/Buller time...there is NEVER enough. The night we did spend with them (Christmas Eve) was fantastic and I definitely enjoyed the addition of Rachel to our family (per usual).
3. Motivated to explore creativity. I have often been told that I am so creative and artsy. Perhaps this is true, but if it is...I feel that I have been negligent. Today I spent a good two hours perusing blogs. Through that I was inspired to write this post, and think about what exactly I am doing with my time. I think that I would really like to expand my personal repertoire of creativity to encompass so much more than it currently holds. New goal: try more new things-intentionally. I think I will have to create a schedule to do this...damn.
4. Convicted to do more. In a serious way. I want to be one of those people who gets up really early to go running and then starts her day.
5. Shocked that I haven't amended this sooner. Truly truly shocked. I have a pretty serious fear of not having a personality and I feel that if I continue to just float along I will end up boring and dull-- not unlike a robot.
So for now I am thankful, aware, motivated, convicted, and shocked. Not too shabby for a Saturday, eh?


p.s. Recently I have been listening to 'The Flaming Lips' on Pandora (discovered via Elsie Flannigan's blog). I quite like them.

The Point, Please.

The last couple of months I have been bombarded by an impossibly difficult question to answer. What is the point of life? Yes, our small and seemingly insignificant lives. I would like to know why we are here. What role does each individual play on this earth. 
I ask because I care. I have a strong desire to know what I am doing here. Am I supposed to be in the field I have chosen? Or am I better suited somewhere else. Or does it even matter? I am curious to know if we have a destiny or if our lives are made from the choices we choose. I know, I know...the latter is the correct answer.
But back to the original question. What's the point? Am I supposed to believe that my life will make a difference? I suppose I am...but what if I choose a nondescript life of comfort? What if I decide to move to a place and just live? Sure, my life will impact those I choose to associate with...
I guess what I am truly struggling with is how uncomfortable am I supposed to make myself for the greater good. Is it wrong to want to be comfortable? Should I pride myself in doing something I believe in, even if I would rather do something just a bit easier...a bit more, selfish?
I always said that I wanted to live a life of learning. I always dreamed of finding my passion. Now though, I just want to be with my friends. I yearn for an average life taken up by a stagnate job and a never-changing ritual.
I wish I could finish this post like this:
"Then I remember. I remember the people I struggled to get to know and the joy that came with that challenge. I remember the love I have for college students and residence life. I love what I am working towards because I believe in it."
But honestly, I would rather not. Sure, I wrote that and it is true. But my current thoughts override what I am not strong enough to say.

Annoyances

Today on an unexpected extension of a trip I was asked an interesting question, "what annoys you."
At first I couldn't think of much...but then my list was extended. Since I cannot seem to fall asleep, which immediately puts me in a bad mood, I'm going to share.
1) Whistling. This is little known, but the pitch usually hurts my ears. Interesting tidbit, I can handle Andrew Bird.
2) Tardiness. I think this is because I used to always be the "late" one, which in my family means 2 minutes after the extra 1/2 hour we have to arrive.
3) Waste. I think Uganda has something to do with this-- and my education.
4) Gossip/judgement.
5) Complaining. I have noticed that I have been a bit of a complainer recently. I hope to amend this now.
6) Illogical-ness. I have the unfortunate ability of valuing efficiency above all/most else. This does not fit well with patience...or group projects.
7) Joking about abuse/violence.
8) Being put in a box (i.e. the 'late one'. or the 'messy one'.)
9) People backing out on their word/being inconsistent. If I was ever to hold a grudge...it would be for this.
10) Ignorance.
11) Being dismissed.
12) A lack of common courtesy.
Following this question was an interesting statement made by the other party: "I find that the things that most annoy me are the things I struggle with." Too true Roberta*, too true.
Looking at the list I have a few follow up remarks.
1) I'm a really good whistler.
2) I'm really not late...just uncommonly early (just ask 3N:)
3) Sometimes I leave notebooks half empty.
4) I criticize everyone in my head.
5) When my life is crazy, I want everyone to know how great I am at getting things done.
6) I am often unreceptive to new ideas.
7) I know too much to joke.
8) I categorize my friends.
9) Like I said, this is one of the worst...so I try my best to stay consistent.
10) I feel ignorant when it comes to most things.
11) I dismiss people SO easily.
12) In general I try to be nice.
With the exception of 7, 9, and 12, I struggle with the very same things that annoy me about others. Perhaps this comparison speaks to the idea that you take out on others what you dislike about yourself. Perhaps not.
Well. Now that you all know just a little bit too much about me, I am going to go to bed:)



*Name changed to protect the innocent.

Un-Friending

Note: I realize this post is a bit ludicrous and over the top.

I am not sure how many of you have heard of November 17 as "National [Facebook] Un-Friend Day"...but this is a basic synopsis:
"National UnFriend Day was November 17th, 2010 — the day when all Facebook users protected the sacred nature of friendship by cutting out any "friend fat" on their pages occupied by people who are not truly their friends." (abc.com)
That week in mid-November started out the same as any other week: office laughter and chit chat. I am not sure who brought up the fateful day, but someone did. Since my office is full of friend-laden people we decided to take a brave step and attempt to rid ourselves of some extra friend baggage.
We boasted and bragged about the 'difficulty' of removing individuals who we have not talked to in years. In reality, I am quite sure we were being dramatic.
Since then, I have occasionally gone through my friend list and deleted a few people here and there in hopes of cleansing my facebook page. Today was one of those days that I decided to scroll the list.
Every time I have pulled up the list to filter who I am truly friends with I become more and more sad about removing people. Why? Because each and every one of my 'friends' has a memory associated with them. I think that's why today I started to *gasp* tear up.
I have decided that no matter how little I communicate with said 'friends', I will no longer be deleting any more people out of my life. The joy that comes from simply looking at their name and remembering that he or she was there with me and we experienced something together far outweighs the time we have spent apart.
I want it to be known that I am not bashing "NUFD", I am simply saying it is not for me.
So if you are one of those friends who I carefully deleted...I am sorry. Let's be friends again...ok?
[Also note: Yes. I realize my reasoning for keeping friends is completely for my benefit and that I am objectifying friends as memory snippets.]

A Different Prescription

I would like to preface the below by making some statements.
1. I started and wrote this reflection quite late so...
2. It's incredibly cheesy and fluffy...but that's ok because
3. It's pretty much all true to what I am feeling right now.
4. Also, I did put a bit of theory in here-- feel free to skip it.

I have always pushed to be viewed as a competent individual. Timeliness, due dates, and follow through have played a significant role in who I am now and who I have worked to become. While I have been running around ruled by my watch I have missed something. That something is passion, drive, and provision. Though I thoroughly enjoyed the conference in its entirety, the last workshop I attended was of particular importance to me as a growing professional. A word not unfamiliar to me was introduced and stressed, and that word was strategy.
When I think of the word strategy competition often comes to mind. The intertwining of these two words gives me a negative image—one of a selfish individual pushing past everyone regardless of the other people’s current state. The way that Serena talked about strategy, though, put a whole new spin on the concept. She showed me that I can do more—and I need to in order to maximally benefit myself as well as others. I cannot be content with competence…I need to step up my game.
The ten tips and subjects the presenters talked about were as follows: know yourself, network and mentor, résumé and interview, technical and management skills, you better work, managing your supervisor, ethics and professional standards, organizational politics, don’t forget what you learned in graduate school, and professional development. The first one most definitely fits with Chickering’s 5th vector: Establishing Identity. Interesting enough, competence is something he posits will be mastered before identity establishment. I think this vector also spoke to me because I have been thinking a lot about identity development—especially after we read Let Your Life Speak.
In reality, all of their tips fit somewhere into Chickering’s vectors. For example,
1. Competence: Technical and Management skills; Organizational Politics; Don’t Forget What You Learned in Grad School
2. Emotions: Know Yourself
3. Autonomy to Interdependence: Managing Your Supervisor
4. Mature Interpersonal Relationships: Network and Mentor
5. Identity: Professional Development
6. Purpose: You Better Work; Résumé and Interview
7. Integrity: Ethics and Professional Standards
Obviously some, or most, or the tips may be put into one or more categories—or completely different ones. For lack of room and efficiency I will not necessarily cover why I placed each tip into the specific vector. Know though, that I was both impressed and surprised to see how well they each fit into Chickering’s theory; that fact alone was impactful and a prime example of theory to practice.
Though the workshop description said, “this interactive workshop will address the issues and challenges facing new professionals as they move in, through and out of the first three to five years of their career in higher education,” I think it went far beyond the now seemingly trivial description. In fact, I am going so far as to say that it has revolutionized how I will think about my future—whether student affairs is or is not a dominant aspect of said life plans. Both the style of the presenters and the content of the presentation reached out to me and gave me the metaphorical thick, heavy, and possibly unattractive, prescription glasses that I so desperately needed.
As previously mentioned, I have placed a high value on competency. Chickering himself points out that competency is only the first vector and there is so much to be gleaned from developing the other facets of his theory. Since I have arrived in August I have been surviving off of my ability, aptitude, and proficiency. However, little flags (such as the book) have popped up and forced me to reexamine why I am in this program and profession. Through those instances I have slowly become aware of the holes in my development—and this realization reached its pinnacle at the conference. I no longer want to just be viewed as capable—I want to be seen as driven. I don’t want to solely settle for adequate but instead strive for excellence. And instead of being an excellent observer I wish to share my passion with those around me.
I truly think the decisions I have made about myself will carry on into the future. I have already noticed that I look at my tasks and my job in a whole new light, one of excitement—one I have not seen before. This new lens I am currently seeing through has almost a sort of fulgent aspect. Even though I love this new perspective, I still have some misgivings.
First, I wonder how long this new love feeling will last. After a couple of months will I be discouraged once again? Or, what if I find out that I lack the ability to examine these parts of my life? I wonder if I hold the drive to stay driven. I also am curious to see the challenges and struggles that are sure to arise as I attempt to push myself farther and harder than I ever have before. Will my wall hit me sooner than I want it to?
When I think about the qualms I have expressed, I am not too worried. Perhaps this is foolish of me, but I think that optimism is a strong force. I am confident that as I continue to navigate this career of student affairs I will always look back at the Session C workshop with a tender heart. After all, I have been forever changed.

Crowbar

[I feel that I'm taking a bit of a risk by being painstakingly honest in the below post. Please don't take it personally and try really hard to remember that everyone has struggles...right? Anyone?]
The last couple days were hard on my personality. Where I wanted clarity I was given confusion. When I wanted structure I was forced to improvise. I had to settle for less than ideal. I was late. I was blamed. I was too concerned when I should have just let things go.
In reflection I know I could have handled said 'things' a lot better. I should have been gracious instead of incredulous...but I wasn't. I could have taken the blame and embraced humility...but I didn't.
The more time I spend with these new people the more I learn about myself. I used to think that I could never be annoyed...not true. I once believed that I couldn't believe anything negative about a person...false.
I'm a little excited about this discovery.
I often question if I have adequate critical thinking skills. I mean, if I always go with the flow and am 'ok' with anything and everything...well, should I be nervous?
Over the years I have learned that while embracing a humble attitude and an open mind is generally a positive thing, lines must be drawn and choices must be made. I have very little desire to live my life floating along like an aimless, although beautiful, leaf drifting along in the stream of life. I want to be able to claim my thoughts and ideas with reverence. So take that all you people who once said, "but brit, you like everybody"; let it be known though...I do like everybody:)
Additionally, from looking at my reactions to the people around me, I have realized just how opinionated and strong willed I really am. This realization has been interesting. I'm not sure why it has taken me so long to become aware this fault...probably because my roommate(s) was (were) incredibly accommodating. But now I know what most of you have probably known for quite some time.
So thank you everyone for not only tolerating my craziness, but also loving me through it.
p.s. I encourage you all to check out 'Vampire Weekend'...in my opinion, they're fantastic.

Banana and Bootcamp

Below is a post that my wonderful sister, Hannah, wrote a little while ago. There are a couple of reasons I decided to include it in my blog. 1. Banana is awesome, 2. She has a lot to offer, and 3. I have blog-writer's block.

note: HA= honor academy. You'll have to check out her blog for more information:)

JOY

ESOAL lesson #1

(many more to come!)

Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.

-Nehemiah 8:10

About this time last Saturday I was (probably) going on a 2-mile run with a wooden cross slung over one shoulder and a duct tape strap for my water bottle on the other. Picture yourself standing on the sidelines while we march/jog past you. You probably would have smelled us before you had a chance to look into our sandy/muddy/sweaty faces. At this point in ESOAL, about 30% of us probably had plastered permanent smiles on our faces. The other 70% of us had so much joy we were bubbly, giddy, and overflowing with happiness as our dirty tennis shoes pounded along in perfect rhythm.

Last weekend I was able to participate in one of the HA's (optional) Life Transforming Event called ESOAL. Despite how ESOAL has been portrayed by various people or media organizations, it is truly an amazing experience that God used to teach me many life lessons.

Going into ESOAL, I was pretty freaked out. If you know nothing about ESOAL, let me give you a quick update. Picture the HA gone military. Actually, ESOAL is supposedly based on the Navy Seals' Hell Week. I'm not in the Navy, so I really don't know how accurate that is; all I know is what I personally experienced. ESOAL did have certain military aspects to it. For example, we were placed into companies and platoons, given helmets to identify us and crosses to carry, told to respond using "Sir" and "Ma'am", allowed only to say numbers under 10, and taught how to low-crawl. It was completely unlike the military in other areas, such as middle-of-the-night worship, constantly being asked if we were growing, giving our 100%, asking how we could help our company, having to work together to produce unity, singing worship songs while we marched, and reciting Bible verses.

Before ESOAL, I only knew about the military side of it, which is why I was so apprehensive. I couldn't understand why all the 2nd-year students were so excited. I was expecting my experience to be filled with anger, bitterness, and fear as I worked my tail off to please my major. I'm so thankful that this is not at all what it actually was! Instead of being angry at my major and captain for making me low-crawl or do push ups, I realized that I had a choice in how I would respond. Yes, I could have gotten angry and bitter, but instead I was able to "choose joy" (motto!) and respond in a way that was honoring to God. When our company was falling behind and our major was telling us to go faster, we could have all separated and fallen apart, but instead we realized the importance of unity and stuck together, helping and encouraging whoever was struggling. We were able to choose optimism and unity over anger and self-reliance because 1) we all knew we couldn't get through it on our own, 2) we all knew we couldn't get through it without God, and 3) we all knew that the joy of the Lord would be our strength when our physical bodies had no strength left.

One main lesson that really took root in my heart was a common yet powerful asset during ESOAL. One phrase that you would constantly hear throughout the endurance of ESOAL was "choose joy", said with much exuberance. We were made aware at the beginning of ESOAL that it wasn't going to be something we enjoyed. Who thinks physical exertion and no sleep is a fun combination? Not me. We all knew that we would want to quit at one point. It wasn't going to be peaches and cream....BUT (there's always a "but"..) we also knew that we could make it enjoyable. We could make it fun. We could choose what we got out of the experience by what we put into it. This really rang true for me. All my life I had been told this, especially when I chose to not get a positive experience out of something that I thought was a major struggle. During these situations, it never really sank in that being joyful is a choice.

This is an interesting concept. In our lives, the joy that we have experienced is only surface level. For example, when something happens that creates a feeling of happiness within you, your are joyful. You are outwardly joyful as a result of the inner joy. However, that joy fades away with the initial event that created it. During ESOAL, we were taught a new type of joy that never fades. This joy is a result of so many things. I mean think about it, if you have God as your savior, why shouldn't you be filled with joy all the time? Think about your eternal reward. Think about how much God loves you. Think about how much Christ did for you. Think about His saving grace. Think about how well He has equipped you for anything that could ever come up against you. Think about God. The end. Just the thought of God can put a smile on your face, no matter the circumstances. It's amazing. Revolutionary even. Life-changing if you let it sink in. I let it sink in. If I hadn't, man, those nights of sleep/no sleep would have been completely miserable, just like everything else that was challenging during ESOAL. I would have rung out having learned nothing but self-reliance.

Because I was able to rely on God's strength and constantly be filled with his joy, I was able to not only complete ESOAL, but also lean on God and use His strength instead of my own. Not only was I always smiling outwardly (for which I was nicknamed "smiley") but I was also always filled with joy inwardly. I was made aware of just how much Jesus did for me while on Earth living as a man. He went to the cross for me - I can sacrifice my feelings, my emotions, and my physical body to Him. The best part is this: when I gave up my pain, my struggles, my emotions, my feelings, I was filled with even more joy. God wasn't just going to leave me with nothing. No, He filled me up with so much more than I had before. He blessed me. He blessed our whole company. Let me tell you, once we had all grasped this, ESOAL was like a family vacation - no joke. We were all laughing and cracking jokes about the simplest and hardest things. It was so good!

Moral of the story: Choose joy in all situations! You don't have to go through a tough experience like ESOAL to grasp this concept. The next time you feel yourself turning sour as a result of something gone wrong, ask God for His joy. I guarantee He won't disappoint you! Also - you can't always rely on feelings. During ESOAL, if I had waited until something good happened to be joyful, I would have wasted so much time feeling sorry for myself and embracing self-pity (that's a whole different blog post...). You always have something to feel joyful about - let God fill you up to overflowing with His joy, which is your strength!

hannahvaneck.blogspot.com

And the Winner Is

Friday.
The day started out with my first APU chapel. As soon as I entered the stadium and the music started to play I was reminded of my love for student community. Being in a room surrounded by students and staff alike was beautiful and fulfilling. To put a the proverbial cherry on top, the speaker was Shauna Neiquist. She spoke about challenge, growth, death, and redemption. If you have yet to read her work-- I urge you to do so. Through it I was inspired; I felt she was writing exactly what I was feeling.
After that uplifting experience I headed off to work. We (Amanda, Rebekah, and I) decided that we wanted to be crafty with our advertising. Earlier that week Amanda and I scoured the dumpsters for cardboard and headed to Michael's to buy 21 beautiful colors of paint. Needless to say, I was overjoyed to be given the task of painting. As I had already painted a number of pieces of cardboard, I decided it was time to dress them up-- so that took up the next hour.
Now it was time for the free, semi-exclusive (but not really), lunch with Shauna. Yes please. As I sat in the room of females and listened to so many of them pour out their heart and thanks for her words I was also reminded. My mind went back to the time that I read her first book, Cold Tangerines. Stephanie Slotsema brought it with her to Uganda and recommended that I read it. Since we were often without electricity and little to do after 7 pm, I gladly took her up on that offer. And I wasn't the only one; Stephanie (from Germany) also read it. I still find it difficult to express what that book meant to me and to the others in the house. Being in Uganda was not an easy task and Shauna's words lifted us up, encouraged us, and gave us a renewed strength. I, of course, tried to verbalize this at Friday's lunch but alsas, my fear of public speaking kicked in and I fear that I didn't at all portray the immense gratitude I felt at that moment.
After the lunch I finished the poster stuff and went out for coffee with Tiffany (a 2nd year and an intern in my office). It was a time of honesty and learning. I love times like this.
When I finally landed home in the late afternoon I...think I took a nap. Or painted. Or wrote notes, but I really can't remember.
After supper I headed to a housewarming party for Tiff and her 5 roommates. Though I had mild associations with Tiff's friends, I really didn't know anyone else. The next two hours were not easy for me but, surprisingly, not too difficult either. I found that if I put forth an effort and was semi-intrusive (because let's face it, that's the only way to break into a group of friends), I could engage in legitimately good conversation. For example, I learned that a 1 yr pass to Disneyland is only $16 a month, if someone says you have to swing dance you shouldn't lie and say you don't know how because they'll teach you anyway, and Michael Buble tickets are quite costly. After all that and more, I decided I needed to go to bed.

Saturday.
Today I slept in as long as I wanted, which was beautiful. Then I went to the post office, picked someone off the street and drove them to a hospital, and went to the gym. The rest of the day I read. Of course the location and subject matter differed, but nonetheless, I solidly read for the next 6 hours.

I suppose the question is this: which day did I glean more from? The one that took up a bazillion lines, or the one that took up 5? If you haven't guessed yet, it's the former. As much as I love reading about buggers and piggies, I really desire and thrive on contact of the human type. If you've been hoping to find a 'moral of the story' this would be it. Even though being with people is hard, emotionally draining, and sometimes undesirable...I still pick it. I think it's worth the hastle, late nights, and hard conversations...truly.