A couple of reasons I'm writing right now instead of packing and/or sleeping:
1. My sister asked me to
2. I have many feelings that I feel should be sorted out before they burst out like a can of root beer forgotten in the freezer
3. I'm waiting for my laundry to dry
Because I am still not sure how to start this post (as evidenced by the awkward beginning explanation) I will just give snippets of thought and see where this goes.
Current feelings: restless, slightly anxious, containing frustrations, annoyed, sad, & conflicted
Last week was crazy busy in a good way and now that it's over I really don't know what to do with myself. Since classes ended for the quarter I have actual free time but I have found that I am at a loss for a place to direct my energy. The focus that was required of me is now gone and has left me with a feeling of nakedness; I want the busyness back so I can direct myself away from my emotions.
I wonder what this summer and the next year will look like. I am working in the Women's Resource Center again and because I am familiar with the position I have an opportunity to add and adjust my duties to fit my desired learning outcomes. This is really exciting but also a bit stressful because I have a lot of autonomy and therefore high expectations for what should happen.
Thursday night was the last night of counseling class and we debriefed a video about vulnerability. It was very emotional for the class because a lot of the cohort feels either that they need to be more vulnerable or that they are finally able to be open about who they are.
After watching it I knew I should take it to heart but immediately I realized I wouldn't change. After some examination I decided I should try to be more of who I am inside my head...but I think this could be a very difficult process for many reasons.
Explanation: I took a sort of personality test and for the overall description this came up: "The Executive". However, I was only one point away from a different explanation..."The Giver". If you know me well this makes sense; inside my head I am the executive but to the outside world I'm the giver. For example, many people here have told me that the first impression I give off is introvert, nicest person ever, easy going, passive, and a good listener. As the year has gone on they have been constantly surprised (which I love) to find that I am opinionated, stubborn, confrontational, and (this still surprises people) extroverted. I suppose right now I'm trying to figure out how much of each side to depend on and channel.
Which leads to the frustration and annoyance. I wonder how much I should voice these opinions and when I should just let things go soar away into the horizon. So much of me wants to call people out, but the other part of me wishes to just distance myself from said individuals. For the sake of being vulnerable I'll share a big part of me. When I get to know a person I generally don't share deeply until I have observed and believe he or she is trustworthy. When/if I do share and they break that confidence I tend to not trust them again. This goes for commitments too. If I have a person's word I trust it deeply. When that trust is broken I begin to assume they'll back out continually. Time spent with someone is how I grow closer and when that time is broken I become so easily exhausted with wondering if plans will be cancelled that I often would rather distance myself. While my stubborn intentionality usually prevails, I am emotionally exhausted.
I'm a really intentional person in all that I do. I am strategic and bold in going after what I want. This manifests itself both as charm and standoffish-ness...depending on my current state (i.e. if I'm busy and you are trying to talk to me, I'll probably ignore you).
My family tells me I'm a manipulator...I tell them I'm logical and good at explaining:) One of my favorite example is from this past Christmas. I got my family to sit and watch multiple movies/tv upstairs at the kitchen table instead of on the comfortable couches downstairs. Why? Because I told them it is difficult for me to just sit and watch a movie without doing anything at the same time (true). After a couple days of this they decided to watch something downstairs. What did I do? I held my ground at sat upstairs alone in the kitchen and busied myself with other things.
Do you think I'm a bad person? Are you judging me? That's ok...I have probably judged you too.
Oh and I'm sad because this year is ending. I will so much miss how things are right now including some of closest friends here moving away. Happily, I will be living with one of them next year but the others will be graduating. I am currently mourning the change that will be occurring this next year both here and at home. No longer will most of my friends be in one area but instead they will be spewed out across the country.