Sometimes I have severe doubts that adaptability is solely a strength. Sure, it's nice to be able to assimilate into different situations easily, and I do enjoy the lack of homesickness that others so intensely experience. But sometimes, especially lately, I have wondered if I would be closer to God if I had a bit more difficulty transitioning. Take my time in Uganda. I figured I would have to rely more on the presence of God to get me through those six weeks. I'll admit, I was looking forward to forced intimacy. Unfortunately, I was left with much to be desired. I tried to rely on God, take more from him, but there always seemed to be so much other things to do and see...and not enough time to channel my nonexistent suffering to the only thing that never falters.
During an infamous Wednesay night Bible study, one of the women shared how she would really appreciate a scenario where God showed her that he was there. That night I thought, yes God, why is it me always doing the talking and trying to find that ever escaping 'personal relationship'? Then, of course, the guilt of what I had just dared to think overcame me. However, me and my strong personality continued to question God. "Sure God, you sent your son to die...and that was great, but what about now? I don't do one extravagant thing for my friends and then expect them to continue to foster the relationship on their own."
Blasphemous, right?
I feel that I am constantly praying for God to put a hardship in my life so I can learn and grow with him. I live my life attempting to put myself in situations that will be difficult for me so I will be stripped down to just me...and God.
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