Wednesday, September 8, 2010

White Nike Socks

Today I read about...
Marathons. I don't know how many of you know, but I'm not allowed to "real" run...ever again. When my second doctor told me this after my second knee surgery I was disbelieving. "Yeah right" I though, "I recovered fine from my first and this one will be the same way". Well it wasn't. I have never gained my muscle back and have trouble with everyday things like...walking. Just yesterday I was hobbling down the stairs when my knee buckled and I fell (don't worry mom, it happens all the time:). I have always known that I have a disadvantage and my body is quite literally falling out of its sockets.
Unfortunately for me, I love to be active and, even more, I love to push myself. I have, admittedly, run since that horrid man told me I couldn't. But my actions have had brutal consequences that I have had to face. For example, and I think this brings it full circle, my whole life I have loved to competitively run. When I was in 8th grade and had just purchased my first pair of spikes and crisp white Nike socks I came home and decided that I wanted to go to the state track meet. So I put away one pair of those white socks and vowed to keep them until I made it. Let's just say those socks definitely got worn a few times.
I also remember going through a period of being truly confused and, for the first time in my life, a little bit mad at God [note: I really don't ever get angry...this was a big deal]. I have never understood why I am 23, love to physically exert myself, and have such a strong limit. I'm still a little angry about it but...
Today I also read about...
Challenges. While doing the meet and greet with my boss, Shino, we stopped at the campus pastor's office. While we were all talking I was, of course, looking over her book collection. I noticed she had 'Bittersweet' by Shauna Niequist (who also wrote 'Cold Tangerines'). Of course I had to ask her about it and in return for my curiosity I was handed my very own hardcover copy; easily made my day. As I read the prologue I was immediately convicted by the words. Or maybe I was just immediately drawn in by her expansive vocabulary and natural ability to tell stories. Either way, I loved that she pointed out the difficulty that so often seems to overshadow the joy of Christianity; "the central image of the Christian faith is death and rebirth."
I have always said that I appreciate the process of disequilibrium and hardship-- learning is fun! But when I really begin to think of the implications that go along with what I so desperately yearn for, I'm not sure I am all about that whole 'going through hardship' stuff. So I'm lamenting. I'm not happy that I am not allowed to do the things I was born to love. But I do think the fact that not being able to do them forces me to question and grow.
By the way, I'm not giving up on that whole running thing.

1 comment:

  1. goodness, i love reading this thing! I can just hear you saying all of this stuff. I miss you so!