A few provisions:
1.
This came from a Simpson’s comic.
2.
Originally I was going to ban talking about this
topic, but I won’t completely. But depending on the context I might (i.e. you
want to chastise me)…which I think is my right because:
3.
This is incredibly personal. I read the comic,
opened up a word document and began to type. I wasn’t planning on sharing but I
can only hope other people can relate to this.
4.
If you are here to judge (which is a right),
please do so silently. Respect is what I ask.
5.
Know I am writing from my experience, and do not
harbor anger or resentment against how I grew up. I am incredibly thankful for
my life and how it has been lived, and those who have contributed to it.
6.
I am not, and I cannot stress this enough,
looking for controversy. This is just an expression of my current inner mind.
The Nature of Love
Definitions of romantic love have been floating around me my
whole life. Because I have never been in a romantic relationship I do not have
first hand experience.
I think in the past I thought it would just happen. You
would enjoy the company of another and decide to spend the rest of your life
together.
I see those around me. I see those who have taken on the characteristics
of their significant other. This is difficult for me. I think because I have
seen less patience, less satisfaction, and more cynicism.
I see the couples that sit in restaurants not speaking to
each other. In the past I think I would have seen this as an unfortunate
incident but now I’m not sure. How much is there to talk about before you run
out of things to say?
Is it the moments, those at the beginning, that are the
happiest?
What makes a good relationship last and withstand time?
People change constantly—what is to say that it will not be
for the worst? How can one person hope to commit to another for eternity?
Should relationships be based on interests and or core
beliefs? Studies would say core beliefs, but I for sure do not want to spend my
life with someone who is not interested in the same things I am.
I need interaction. I need a partner in crime. I also need
someone who has the same core beliefs, but to what extent?
There are certain topics and areas I will refuse to budge on
because they are moral issues. I cannot accept that someone can believe the
treatment of others is cavalier and contained.
But somehow I have gotten to this point where I seem to be
alright with compromising my Christian beliefs. I think I have written it off
as a personal choice—one having nothing to do with me.
But why is it different? I think it is because I feel
distanced from it. Perhaps a lack of experience and discussion? But I went to a
private, religious, liberal arts institution.
Two years and some months after graduation, having acquired
a master’s degree in between that time, I have managed to be more confused.
Going back to the lack of discussion, I think that is a
significant contributor to my apathy. The core values that I will not only
refuse to budge on, but will also judge those who differ in opinion, are being
talked about always. They are in the news, in the lives of those around me, and
being written about in books. These topics are often scientific, with
manipulations and statistical analyses. These are tangible.
My faith however is not.
I grew up in a Lutheran church, and then we transferred to a
non-denominational when I was about 12, and now my parents attend an Assembly
of God church. I attended and worked at a Lutheran Brethren camp, and a
reformed school. When I went to college I attended a reformed service, and in
grad school an Episcopal Church while attending an evangelical university.
With all of the religious diversity I have experienced I am
surprised I do not have a better degree of stability.
My mind is fairly academic in nature. I like complicated and
detailed information, backed up by science.
Some of these church services provided this, most
exclusively did not.
The Bible is so incredibly complicated and misused. Is it
outdated? Does that thought damn me to Hell?
What is Hell?
Sometimes I feel the presence of something other. Something
I have been taught is God. I find great comfort in this, comfort that my life
has not been spent believing a lie. I do not feel comfort in the knowledge that
I know so little. I have virtually nothing to stand on, other than a feeling.
Is my head knowledge enough, or do I need more than a
reassuring thought?
I often think about the passage where Jesus talks about the
faith of children, and how difficult it is for adults to believe. How true this
is. At the same time, though, I have never felt particularly close and affirmed
in my faith.
In college I though I faked it in high school. Now I cannot
guarantee I have been faking it this whole time. Who is to say what a healthy
relationship with the savior of the world looks like?
I feel so dissatisfied.
I have explained away my doubts many times. One of the more
recent is an explanation of my personality and using that to dismiss the lack
of relationship with my creator.
I hardly communicate with those I am not in the immediate
presence of, or at least near in proximity. You can ask my friends and
family—they will vouch for this. Therefore, I thought it was normal for me not
to have a lot of communication and time with my spiritual life, since there is
no physical representation.
But there is never a physical/visual representation.
My parents are incredibly devoted. Like I said, I’ve been
raised in the church and attended Bible camp forever. We also went to a few
conferences. During those times I saw and heard pastors use the power of Jesus
to heal.
The Christian community is all around…defensive? My parents
have high criticisms against my beliefs, and some of the Christian communities
I have been apart of have high criticisms against the beliefs my parents cling
to.
It is all very confusing to me. The Christian community is a
place where nose rings can be damning and female pastors are banned.
This is not to say all places of worship are this way. Some
churches accept those rejected by society, welcome the beggars and the weak.
I understand no place is perfect. I understand that there are
a plethora of religions because the bible is interpreted in a multitude of ways
and everyone thinks their way is right.
I do not understand why more people do not understand this.
The stubbornness. The hatred. The closed-mindedness. Is this
what being a Christian is? I think not. But then I wonder if I have completely
missed the mark and should be holding to more traditional beliefs in this
broken world.
But sometimes I wonder why hatred of the world is so
encouraged? There are obvious flaws, believe me I know. But I want to enjoy my
life. I have a strong drive to feel fulfilled.
I take into account that some have not been filled with the
doubts I have. They have not traveled and seen with a mind that is constantly
questioning and full of doubts.
This is not to imply I do not respect these people. In many
ways I envy them because of the felt security.
But I have had many opportunities, and have been blessed
with an inquisitive mind. Not only that, but I have grown up in a generation
that has access to the internet—a database filled with controversial thoughts
and ideas.—thoughts and ideas that stimulate the mind.
Womp womp. I think I’ve hit my limit.
The last thing I want to say is I have justified my way of
life with a concept. A concept of love with a God and savior that loves and
wants his/her children to be loved. Micah 6:8 is my favorite verse, and I cling
to it with white knuckles, fighting for my life.
He has shown you, O
man, what is good;
and what
does the Lord require of you
but to do justly,
to love mercy,
and to walk
humbly with your God?
So I go on. Living my life. Being judged by Christians and
non-Christians alike. Trying to find my place in this fucked up, yet somehow
beautiful, life, clinging to a God I can only do my best to follow.
I so wish I had more answers but for now I can only carry
on, living a life of forgiveness, mercy, and most of all, love.
